I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
