Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
how does that bad decision feel?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
