She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
