its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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