well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
