I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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