If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
