I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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