remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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