I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
