I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
