i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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