hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
