JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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