Sponge bath it is.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
