My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You need Xanax blowdarts
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
