my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
