I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize