I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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