i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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