all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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