So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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