At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Everything about him screamed your future.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
