She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
