I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
