Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
