I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Who put my cat in the fridge?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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