I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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