I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
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