I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
