i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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