We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
