capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
