Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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