shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
