Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
