Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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