I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You dont lie about slip and slides
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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