Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
