Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
