My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
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going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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