i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
