smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
