I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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