drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize