I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize