I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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