He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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