You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
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When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
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