When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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