I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
