You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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