5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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