I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
